“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns†was not the first book I have ever read on BDSM. When I first started getting interested in BDSM, the internet was my guide, some of it useful, some of it ridiculous, everyone had an opinion. I then read “Different Loving†and “Sensuous Magicâ€, both excellent books relating to power exchange, the first being a series of “case studies†of real lifestylers by Brame, Brame and Jacobs, and the second a more subjective, yet open look into the BDSM lifestyle by sex radical, educator and writer Patrick Califia.
“Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism†by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon is very subjective, written by a male dominant and submissive female couple and first published in 1995. It has been hailed as the go-to guide into power exchange relationships and even the BDSM bible. Today, the book is fairly dated as both the images and the text will attest, yet there is still a lot of relevant information inside. It is written in first person as both Phillip and Molly write various parts of each section, each relating it to their personal experience and power dynamic. The tone is friendly and tries to use humor quite a bit which tends to be a bit kitschy at times. The book is also a bit sexist, as Phillip seems to have his own ideas of male and female roles, including sections entitled: “Phillip’s Treehouse—No Girls Allowed” and “Molly’s Quilting Bee,” in which only the males or females in each relationship are supposed to read each part. No doubt these dynamics work well for this couple and many others, but I found the tone, the sexism and the sometimes tasteless humor to be sometimes off-putting and found myself rolling my eyes a lot while reading it.
Having said that, this is a good introductory book for those searching to learn the basics of BDSM relationships, but it is by no means the BDSM bible. It does teach many different aspects of the power exchange relationship, but bear in mind that it is subjective so to get a full education, read many books on the subject, learn from your own personal experiences and get a mentor if you can and come to your own conclusions.
What you will learn in Screw the Roses
Page from Screw the Roses
Chapter One defines the BSDM terms and roles, which is fairly basic, yet sometimes confusing. It states the difference between a Top/bottom and Dom/sub and the interchangeability of these roles. Chapter Two talks about communication and trust as well as the psychological aspects of a relationship, all practical advice and Chapter Three gives resources on where to find play partners (the internet!). Chapter Four discusses negotiations, levels in the power exchange (including unrealistic situations), and limits and has a sample negotiation questionnaire which has now become the standard. Chapter Five delves deeper in the male/female roles and how men and women should connect with alternate aspects of themselves, ie: their anima and animus. Chapter Six introduces the reader into various types of sensation, pain and edge play, whereas Chapter Seven and Eight are all about bondage.  Chapters Nine and Ten focus on percussion play and discipline, while Chapter Eleven deals with endorphins, pain as pleasure and sub-space. Chapter Twelve talks about the more psychological elements of BDSM play such as verbal abuse, humiliation, and degradation. The final Chapter gives you ideas on how to furnish your play space and the end of the book features a Glossary and several Appendixes with resources, many of which will be now obsolete.
Most of the sections are fairly comprehensive and most people, even advanced players will no doubt find useful information in it. I especially enjoyed the part that described the Doms and subs you should avoid with monikers like: Divina Nolo Mentis, Autoerotico Fabula, Neandrathal Vulgaris, and Femme Desparata. While these caricatures are tongue-in-cheek, it is amazing how you can find their likeness in “real†scene players so easily. Another myth the authors discount is the 24/7 lifestyle Master/slave relationship which they say is too much pressure, unrealistic and unhealthy, and for the most part I’d have to agree.  I have rarely seen people live these roles constantly in a relationship and last very long. Not to mention that relationships evolve and dynamics change.
So, there are some great pointers in this book, lots of useful info and plenty to read, if you can get past the POV, kitschy humor, and sometimes egotistical sexism. And, don’t forget there are a lot of varying perspectives, so read other books on the subject, join your local BDSM group when you feel ready, and find a good mentor to help you learn the ropes.
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“The Mistress Manual: A Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance” is an instruction handbook by Mistress Lorelei, published by Greenery Press. Its focus is on heterosexual female dominance, but much of the information can be adapted to other gender play scenarios. Written by Lorelei, an experienced lifestyle Dominatrix and feminist, it provides information to women “at all levels of the art”.
In Part One: Becoming a Mistress, Lorelei talks about how expressing one’s female dominance is liberating within the constraints of patriarchal culture, by transforming the power exchange and defying the prescribed gender roles. She also encourages women (and men) to embrace their “shadow selves”, the sides that are denied them in everyday life, but ones they can experience through fantasy. According to the author, the submissive is able to experience an emotional catharsis, by letting go and enjoying a sense of freedom.
Part Two: The Mistress in Action discusses practical ways to assert one’s dominance, the art of discipline and the skills one needs to become a successful Domme. Some of the tools the author examines includes using suspense (mystery and anticipation) and variation to create a compelling scene fantasy, creating a set, using costumes and props, choreographing a scene, punishment as a form of pleasure and release, as well as rewards and aftercare. She also provides plenty of information on various techniques including spanking and flagellation, bondage, humiliation and forms of control.
In Part Three: The Five Archetypal Fantasies, Lorelei introduces the main role playing models: Nursemaid, Governess, Queen, Amazon and Goddess and what part these play in fulfilling fantasies. The following chapters then go on to explain these roles in depth with examples and suggestions. The book also includes an afterword with “Ten Rules for a Successful Mistress” which is a visual summary of the lessons learned within.
The Mistress Manual has a wealth of information, much more than can be covered in a short review. It is well written, with an emphasis on the psychological as well as the physical aspects of D/s. It is an excellent read that has plenty to offer for both novices and seasoned pros.
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl’s Guide to Female Dominance
is available on Amazon.com
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…This is about how me and Jack had sex the day we met. Power-exchangey sex. The full thing. In public. Standing up. With clothes on. In the rain. Every kind of d/s sex with just the mouth.I’ve told you how I love kissing during sex. What I might not have said before, is that you can do all of d/s sex with kissing.
When we kissed first I did the nod. The little head move. Darting too close to mean anything else. I had no worries about rejection. None at all. Jack had been staring at my lips for an hour. And Jack doesn’t play games.
But he waits. He wants. He waits. I move. I take. Just. Like. Sex.
We kiss.
I bite his bottom lip, quite hard and he moans very, very softly. His moan vibrates on my teeth. I’m wet. I hold his chin. Not hard. His compliance is required. He lets me keep his head where I want it.
(more. . . )
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…We’re in the Dungeon–an S&M club near our town–and this is my first play party, my first time stripped and hung on a cross in a place where we paid to get in, and I’ve just been spanked, whipped, flogged and paddled right into sub-space by Andre.
“Keep your collar on,” he says, gripping my elbow and I flinch–because I am not wearing any clothes.
“Can I put my dress on, please?” I say.
His eyes turn cold. “No.”
“Can I put on my shoes, please?”
He nods. “Okay.”
I put the black high heels on, wondering how I’ve made the leap from never playing in public to walking around a sex club with my Dom, undressed for the world to ogle.
(more…)
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For those of us on the road…
I travel quite often within the U.S. without incident. Again, though, it was pretty priceless watching kink tell that male inspector that her speculum was a shoe stretcher.
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The scent of her terror came off her in waves, pulsing and metallic. He savored it, lowered his head to her neck, sinking his teeth into the soft flesh where it met her shoulder. She stiffened beneath him, the pain registering sharply, bringing her clarity from the terror induced mindlessness. She dropped to her elbows, and he loosened the grip on her mouth and jaw. She gasped, drawing in a long shaking breath, then tilted her head to the side, allowing her hair to fall away from the teeth still buried in her neck.
(more…)
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My favourite slut, toy, beautifully describes the bliss of Ownership.
…when you can still taste Him in your mouth from His earlier orgasm and still feel the heat of the impressions He left on your body, your throat, your face with His feet… all these massive explosions raked me afterwards, as i laid there, encircling Him and hoping that the electrical impulses and wildfires i was feeling were being transferred out through my fingertips that were lazily tracing up and down His back… as i lay there, holding Him and struggling to breathe evenly just so i could praise and thank Him for using me… all those lingering tingles silently bestowed that everything i was, everything i am, and everything i will ever be belongs to Him… madness…
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The next day, R and I make love again and lie around talking in bed.
He’s been interested in D/s for about 6 years, but he’s only had a few relationships where the dynamic actually played out, and I may be the first one where what we want is so compatible, so mutual.
“I used to be with a woman, and I started to realized I wanted to spank her, to slap her face and pull her hair, and there was no way I could do it that in te relationships I was having,” he says. “I started to explore D/s, but I always wanted it to be with someone I loved and cared about, not with a professional, or with a woman with no self-esteem.”
“I didn’t know what I wanted,” I say,”But I thought the power exchange would have an intensity that would be incredibly expressive–I just didn’t realize how intense it would be.”
“That’s why I wanted it to be someone I loved,” he says–”Because it’s so close and powerful.”
—————-
From one of my favorite sex blogs, an intimate, thoughtful and sexy chronicle of a woman making a mid-life turn after divorce and finding that dominance and submission are quickly becoming a fulfilling part of her new life. I’ll post pieces from it from time to time.
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Welcome to Mackenzie’s Musings – A web resource designed for those seeking information about Dominant/submissive relationships.
Summer is finally here in the northern hemisphere. It is a time of growth and abundance. The tentative green lace of spring has given way to the lush thickness of full growth.
For many people the process of discovering their Dominant or submissive nature is a lot like the flowering of the forest in spring and summer. Although everyone is unique, their stories often have a similar plot. A life led in denial, confusion, and even guilt gives way to a new understanding, a blossoming of confidence, happiness, and joy.
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I’ve been thinking a lot about recommendations for first scenes (“scene” is a term for an actual domination experience or session). The funny thing is – I can’t imagine what the ideal best scenes would be. The most important thing about your exploration of domination is that you enjoy it. That means you develop your style around the things that you enjoy (or will enjoy).
I’m sure many submissives would like to see me listing out all these really hot, intense scenes for you to try. In fact, I bet many dominant women have received little notes or printed stories from their partners saying “This is the kind of thing we could try.” Then you read it and realize – Oh my god – he wants me to do THAT? Even some of my own stories are so unrealistic that I feel almost guilty that some men might have forwarded them to their mates as a ‘helpful hint’.
Well, here is my helpful hint. When you consider what your first play time will be like, don’t consider what he wants; consider what you want.
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Met Art
Gallery Carre
