Son, You’ll Always Remember Your First Time, Because I’m Going To Film It (The Onion)

by Viviane on 09/02/2005

in sex

I know you’ve been attending a lot of parties recently. And while you may think your dad is clueless, I’m clued-in enough to realize that pretty soon you’re going to start experimenting with sex. Nothing much I can do about it, I realize. But I do want to tell you one thing: No matter how old you get, or how many partners you have, you will always remember your first time. Why? Because I’m going to film it.

I can hardly believe you’ve grown so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was videotaping your conception.

Well, I’m proud of you. You’ve come a long way in 16 years, and so has video-recording technology. Today’s digital cameras have far better resolution than the one I used just four short years ago to capture the wonder of your body becoming that of a young man’s.

This is a big step you’re about to make, and your first time should be special. So make sure you share it with the right person. Someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. Like, for example, Judi, from down the street. She seems like she’d be an ideal candidate, if only she were a couple years older. Actually, she’s perfect. Let’s go with her. (more..)

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